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Promise Me...
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| You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
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| | no need to recap everything i did on the vineyard, just know that i had a good time :-)
my birthday is in 4 days which means i leave in 5. what i am thinking about most is if im going to see/talk to jeff before i go. what if something happens to one of us and we left on bad terms? that would suck...hence my wanting to not be on bad terms. altho that may be a bit difficult now that he's "dating" her or whatever the hell you wanna call that shit. and being immature enough to stop talking to the individual i've been seeing. sometimes, i think he's 12 years old. i just want to be happy and over him and gone. that's all. my cousin says she allows her friends to wallow over past relationships for half the amount of time the relationship lasted. i hope i dont wallow for half a year...god.
right now, i am packing to repack. i have to bring less to school this year because we have a smaller car. ok. i'm beginning with the stuff that i never unpacked from last year. i'll go through that and from there i have no idea where the hell im gonna go. one obstacle at a time, i guess.
my brother is 23 and my sister is almost 27. im not supposed to know this, but my father said to my mother a few days ago that he thinks i will be the first of us to marry. i don't know how i should take that. my father is comical, but i think he was being serious about that.
You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead,
Strength in my bones put the words in my head.
When they pour out to paper, it's all for you.
'Cause that's what you do.
i have never been so happy to be alive. i've been saying that a lot, lately. but it's true. i went from thinking my world was ending (immature and ridiculous of me, i know) to realizing the good in things.
i hope i don't mess up my whole honors college thing with the habits i've picked up this summer. im already on probation for my GPA. i think my parents would be upset. maybe i would, too, because it'd be like i was losing my old self. but maybe i need to. maybe this is just who i am. my mom says its a phase...she calls it my "bad boy phase" even tho it has nothing to do with bad boys. its more like a "you stay out too late at night and we dont know what you're doing" phase. idk.
im going to stop thinking so much. life was not meant to be this complicated. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| so i went to the eye doctor to see why my left eye bloodshot for the past day. i have a corneal ulcer. they eat thru your cornea in 24 hours and cause lifelong blindness if not treated quickly enough. a couple more hours and i would have been blind! so now i have these eye drops that are usually supposed to go in every hour, but i put them in every 15 minutes because we are taking an "aggressive approach" to this fucker. i should be good in aweek, if everything goes according to plan.
another note.
this is why i feel the need to define things when im "seeing" a boy...it bothers me when other girls claim him when i was the one he was sleeping with (next to) two nights ago. sure we have not talked about it, nor do i really want to since im leaving in two weeks, but maybe its just the girl it is...i'll forward her the things he's said to me and see if she still feels owndership over him.
or i can just shove it in her face in person tomorrow. either or. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| around midnight last night, when i was at my peak, i apologized to God for doing drugs.
i think that pretty much sums it up. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i didnt get my ID back until 1 am saturday morning. jared and i went at 5 and were told to come back later. so we went to see "sunshine" while being rather baked with a few guys and then returned. then the manager tried to tell me to come back the next day between 11 and 6 but i told myself i wasnt leaving there without it so i had to explain to the man that i had come between 11 and 6, just like i was told, but he had not been there so i could not pick up my ID. so he gave it me. i work magic, i tell ya.
that night i watched beerfest, as well, on a big screen. i don't know if that movie is normally trippy or what, but i was freaking out. i think i might have smoked plastic. kidding, kind of.
i was too lazy to put my back seats up in the van so ben rolled around on floor the whole way into worcester and back for the movie. and jared made fun of my driving abilities. i drive like a woman, apparently. too fast and dangerous. he put $20 worth of gas in my car and made my heart beat fast. twas a good night.
people watched in north hampton on saturday and ate a huge burrito. saw guster, ben kweller and state radio in florence. stood for 4 hours. danced for 2. some girl behind me flashed everyone. guster didn't look. i love them. we ate dinner at 10 o'clock and were waited on by a man with a stick up his ass. alison's mother had a few martinis and commenced hugging me. i only thought about jeff once. he untagged the rest of "our pics" that i must have missed on facebook. apparently he's a jerk now. not much more to say about that.
hairspray in the air conditioned movie theatre today with my parents. big dinner. bath with lots of bubbles.
2 weeks left of work. then marthas vineyard. then a free week. alison is having a party because her parents are gone for a week, im seeing DMB with my cousin, ben's having a week of parties (half of which i will be present for) and the week before i go back i plan on killing brain cells with jared and whomever else.
this summer may not have gone as planned...at all. but hell, i have been having much more fun without him than i was having with him. if things hadnt happened the way they did, i'd be writing about watching movies in my basement and snuggling. maybe i miss the snuggling part. maybe. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| ok sooo we went into worcester and everythings chill. got to irish tieme around 1045. for the underage ppl, they X your hands and take your id. you get it back when you leave. welllll all my friends were of age and drinking and we thought it was crowded enough that they could give me a couple sips no problem. yeah....problem lol. i got caught and kicked out and now i have to go back to worcester after work tomorrow to pick up my ID.
i am clearly an idiot. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| its a month 'til my birthday and 'til i leave for school. im not sure if there is anything else i wanted to say about that. i guess im not sure what i think of it, what i think of this summer.
my friends have a distinct way of making and keeping me happy. and i miss amber. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| people are under the impression that alcohol mixed with cute boys who like to kiss you is a good way to get over someone, if not for good then at least momentarily. people are stupid.
i came home at one and talked to him until three. all that we established is that we miss eachother, he's mad, we're both sad, he thinks my most recent facebook pics are slutty and i'm better than that and it hurts him because he cares about me so i untagged them, and we like talking to eachother. this resulted in nothing, though. at least not the "thing" i was hoping it would result in. or maybe i'm fine with it. if i remove myself from the situation, i can see what's better for me. removing myself is what i'm having the problem with. how can i do that when he's still wanting to talk to me? i don't know what is going to become of all this. i'm not sure if he'll ever be "not mad"-enough to want to be with me. and i'm not sure that if that ever does happen if taking him back would be a good life decision.
he's going to dispatch tonight with kyle. the concert was supposed to be our anniversary celebration or some shit. romantic night in NYC spent together.
it's day-to-day. somedays i say fuck 'em and others it's the opposite. and the only reason i hold onto what little hope there is is because as much as he's trying to say there is none right now, he's the one who gave it to me and is continuing to give it to me.
my eighteen-year-old brain is spinning and i have no idea where the arrow is going to point when it stops. but all signs point to him, goddammit. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i deserve so much better.
i am happy that i know that, now. and that i am more pissed than sad so this whole broken-hearted thing is a bit easier.
all i fucking did was care about him and love him more than i've ever loved anyone. he could have at least had the decency to tell me when his feelings changed instead of drawing things out and essentially breaking up with me twice. fuck that, man. you don't do that to someone you care about. you don't. there's no fucking grey area. you just fucking don't. fuck. and i sound so uneducated right now...but i don't give a fuck. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| apparently, no dispatch concert for me. no words.
yet dinner on friday? his idea? soooo hazy right now. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | sometimes i don't think there is a way to know if you are walking down the same path that you have beaten before and thought that you had learned from. the situation can seem completely different, but in reality it is exactly the same. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i couldnt stay away because id rather write about this in here than discuss it with my mother. she apparently is the cause of all this, anyways.... indirectly.
im mean, i guess. i say things that i shouldnt say. i dont let people be who they are. i criticize without realizing it. i get upset when i know others are upset with me. and this is who i am. and this is who i have to change if he'll be able to stand me anymore. i am not my mother. i should stop acting like her.
why do i feel as if i am always the one who is causing problems? oh wait. it's because i never tell him when he hurts me.
because im afraid.
of upsetting him.
of losing him.
of being alone.
because im not happy when im alone.
and thats a problem. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | i feel as though people hit a point in relationships, romantic and not, where they begin to believe, whether consciously or not, that they can take the other person in the relationship for granted. a thought that if they've stayed around me for this long, i can screw up a little and it won't really matter. or the lack of thought at all. i believe that this is so prevalent in relationships today that if i gain one that doesn't seem to follow this pattern, i may cherish it for my whole lifetime. maybe that is what our future husbands/wives are supposed to be like to us...never forgetting how important it is to look before every step or to take another person into account instead of just yourself. sometimes people think that mistakes like these can be solved with simple "i'm sorry"s or "i can't wait to make it up to you" but depending on the situation, maybe they can't. how sorry can that person be if this isn't the first time they've stepped ON you because they weren't looking or if they keep doing it afterwards. i expect myself to notice when i do things like this. if i don't, i am completely embarassed by my actions. and even though i know sorrys do not always cut it, i will keep giving them and showing that i care. genuinely. not the sort of caring that is in place for 10 seconds at the end of a phone conversation and then is forgotten once the end button is pushed. this is the sort of caring that i KNOW that i screwed up. and not just that, but by knowing this, it will bother me more than it will bother the person i inflicted some kind of hurt onto. because that's the type of person i am and that's the type of person i was raised to be. to not accept the initial "it's ok" or "don't worry about it"...because no...i am going to worry about it. and when we find people that will do that same thing for us, we should never let go of them. never lose sight of them. it's just that simple. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| im driving home tomorrow. my roomate is gone, along with 4 of my other friends. on a scale of one to ten, i'd give freshman year about an 8.75. this is almost all due to the girls i've met here. i absolutely love the fact that we have this group vibe goin that will last (hopefully) all thru college, even tho one of us is transferring next semester. sometimes i wish i had done better in my classes, but honestly i did the best that i could while still having a social life. JMU is good about that...the whole social life thing. im going to have to get used to it NOT being ok to walk around drunk off ur ass with a red solo cup in hand.
i've shed a few tears, but i have a feeling its all gonna come tomorrow when i begin to drive away from campus. it's not just the people that i'm going to miss, it's the school. i couldn't have made a better decision about where to spend the next 4 (now 3) years of my life. and it all went by so fast. i just want to stop time, take a look back at everything and reflect. this is why i have pictures. 6 facebook albums worth of pictures.
now i am going to tote my trusty dasani bottle of "99 bananas and sprite" over to the suite down the hall where my remaining two friends are and proceed to get hammered so my parents can see a slightly hungover daughter when they come to move the rest of my stuff out tomorrow morning at 815.
oh and ps. let's just have an awesome summer, ok? like...everyone hangout. we're all such chill people. it'll be great. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| our university police email us everytime there is a security risk on campus. they tell us about complaints and arrests...that sort of thing. they sent us an email tonight saying there were reports of gunshots last night. they investigated and couldnt find the source. they also said there was reason to believe there was still a threat.
this world perplexes me. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Tech | | Time: | 03:09 pm |
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| I have been able to get in touch with one of the people I know at Virginia Tech and she's okay. I've heard from others that the other person I know who goes there was in class when the shootings were happening and he's ok, too.
Campus is a little weird today. Given that the majority of people here are from VA and the same is true for Tech, so many people have friends and connections there. It's close to impossible to get through on cell phones because the towers are overloaded. Facebook is proving to be helpful.
As of right now, 32 people have been killed. The university is on lockdown and all that. It's so sad. This world can be really messed up sometimes.
What I've heard from my friends is that the shooter went to the freshman dorm looking for his girlfriend and shot her as a result of a fight they were in. He then moved acorss campus to an engineering building and killed 30+ people in the classrooms there. It's unclear whether he killed himself or was killed by police, then. There have been reports of people jumping out of windows to get away from it all.
Those students have had to deal with so much this year. It's nowhere close to fair. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| classes for fall 2007:
French 231
Philosophy 120 Honors
GISAT 112: Environmental Issues in Science with Lab
Media Arts & Design 201
Kinesiology 101: one part lecture, two part cardio & strength machines (I'm happy I didn't get the swimming one)
24ish more days. busy week this week with papers and exams. soldiers of jah army at a local bar wednesday night. then paula, jose and tyler from the real world next monday. spa night with massage chairs and oxygen bar next thursday. stomp the yard on campus two weeks from friday. 3 finals and a paper. home.
:) :) :) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i started packing up my room today. that's so weird. i have exactly one month left, but my sister is going home for easter so she's going to bring some of my stuff....along with empty suitcases when she comes back. i'm only packing up what i don't really use. winter clothes i couldn't fit to bring home over spring break, shoes that i don't wear (basically anything but flops), pom poms and rally beads. my saddle and the huge box of riding accessories is making its way back to massachusetts, as well. possibly a 1 square foot box filled with novels, pictures, albums, mugs, etc if my sister can fit it all in her car. my metal bulletin board that i never really found a place for all year (weird, when i think about it). all my posters are staying. i couldn't bear looking at plain walls for 4 weeks. don't ask me how i'm going to fit this stuff into my room at home. i've acquired many clothes and knick-knacks...the first week or so at home should be interesting.
so i'm not sure if i like this. there are so many positives about my schoolyear being over and going home. but i am most definitely going to miss my friends, my freedom, my alcohol (shallow, but true), my campus, etc. i like being able to see my friends whenever i want, which is basically all the time. merr.
add onto this the fact that i'm home may 4th...i'm going to be sitting on my ass for a week and a half until job training starts, and most of my friends are still going to be at school. but hey...i really shouldn't complain about that. i haven't had much of an opportunity to sit this semester. always on the go. blah blah blah.
4 more weeks of papers and exams. 4 more weeks of sunday all-you-can-eat brunches. 4 more weeks of gin buckets, jungle juice, natty light. 4 more weeks of dominos at 3am. 4 more weeks of hills/one tree hill nights. 4 more weeks of $2.50 movies. 4 more weeks of "quading". yea, it's too early to get sentimental. shush yaself, leslie. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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Promise Me...
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