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Promise Me...
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| | Security: | | | Subject: | .. | | Time: | 12:59 am |
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| You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
| comments: Leave a comment   |
| | no need to recap everything i did on the vineyard, just know that i had a good time :-)
my birthday is in 4 days which means i leave in 5. what i am thinking about most is if im going to see/talk to jeff before i go. what if something happens to one of us and we left on bad terms? that would suck...hence my wanting to not be on bad terms. altho that may be a bit difficult now that he's "dating" her or whatever the hell you wanna call that shit. and being immature enough to stop talking to the individual i've been seeing. sometimes, i think he's 12 years old. i just want to be happy and over him and gone. that's all. my cousin says she allows her friends to wallow over past relationships for half the amount of time the relationship lasted. i hope i dont wallow for half a year...god.
right now, i am packing to repack. i have to bring less to school this year because we have a smaller car. ok. i'm beginning with the stuff that i never unpacked from last year. i'll go through that and from there i have no idea where the hell im gonna go. one obstacle at a time, i guess.
my brother is 23 and my sister is almost 27. im not supposed to know this, but my father said to my mother a few days ago that he thinks i will be the first of us to marry. i don't know how i should take that. my father is comical, but i think he was being serious about that.
You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead,
Strength in my bones put the words in my head.
When they pour out to paper, it's all for you.
'Cause that's what you do.
i have never been so happy to be alive. i've been saying that a lot, lately. but it's true. i went from thinking my world was ending (immature and ridiculous of me, i know) to realizing the good in things.
i hope i don't mess up my whole honors college thing with the habits i've picked up this summer. im already on probation for my GPA. i think my parents would be upset. maybe i would, too, because it'd be like i was losing my old self. but maybe i need to. maybe this is just who i am. my mom says its a phase...she calls it my "bad boy phase" even tho it has nothing to do with bad boys. its more like a "you stay out too late at night and we dont know what you're doing" phase. idk.
im going to stop thinking so much. life was not meant to be this complicated. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Security: | | | Subject: | man... | | Time: | 03:52 pm |
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| so i went to the eye doctor to see why my left eye bloodshot for the past day. i have a corneal ulcer. they eat thru your cornea in 24 hours and cause lifelong blindness if not treated quickly enough. a couple more hours and i would have been blind! so now i have these eye drops that are usually supposed to go in every hour, but i put them in every 15 minutes because we are taking an "aggressive approach" to this fucker. i should be good in aweek, if everything goes according to plan.
another note.
this is why i feel the need to define things when im "seeing" a boy...it bothers me when other girls claim him when i was the one he was sleeping with (next to) two nights ago. sure we have not talked about it, nor do i really want to since im leaving in two weeks, but maybe its just the girl it is...i'll forward her the things he's said to me and see if she still feels owndership over him.
or i can just shove it in her face in person tomorrow. either or. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| around midnight last night, when i was at my peak, i apologized to God for doing drugs.
i think that pretty much sums it up. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i didnt get my ID back until 1 am saturday morning. jared and i went at 5 and were told to come back later. so we went to see "sunshine" while being rather baked with a few guys and then returned. then the manager tried to tell me to come back the next day between 11 and 6 but i told myself i wasnt leaving there without it so i had to explain to the man that i had come between 11 and 6, just like i was told, but he had not been there so i could not pick up my ID. so he gave it me. i work magic, i tell ya.
that night i watched beerfest, as well, on a big screen. i don't know if that movie is normally trippy or what, but i was freaking out. i think i might have smoked plastic. kidding, kind of.
i was too lazy to put my back seats up in the van so ben rolled around on floor the whole way into worcester and back for the movie. and jared made fun of my driving abilities. i drive like a woman, apparently. too fast and dangerous. he put $20 worth of gas in my car and made my heart beat fast. twas a good night.
people watched in north hampton on saturday and ate a huge burrito. saw guster, ben kweller and state radio in florence. stood for 4 hours. danced for 2. some girl behind me flashed everyone. guster didn't look. i love them. we ate dinner at 10 o'clock and were waited on by a man with a stick up his ass. alison's mother had a few martinis and commenced hugging me. i only thought about jeff once. he untagged the rest of "our pics" that i must have missed on facebook. apparently he's a jerk now. not much more to say about that.
hairspray in the air conditioned movie theatre today with my parents. big dinner. bath with lots of bubbles.
2 weeks left of work. then marthas vineyard. then a free week. alison is having a party because her parents are gone for a week, im seeing DMB with my cousin, ben's having a week of parties (half of which i will be present for) and the week before i go back i plan on killing brain cells with jared and whomever else.
this summer may not have gone as planned...at all. but hell, i have been having much more fun without him than i was having with him. if things hadnt happened the way they did, i'd be writing about watching movies in my basement and snuggling. maybe i miss the snuggling part. maybe. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| ok sooo we went into worcester and everythings chill. got to irish tieme around 1045. for the underage ppl, they X your hands and take your id. you get it back when you leave. welllll all my friends were of age and drinking and we thought it was crowded enough that they could give me a couple sips no problem. yeah....problem lol. i got caught and kicked out and now i have to go back to worcester after work tomorrow to pick up my ID.
i am clearly an idiot. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| its a month 'til my birthday and 'til i leave for school. im not sure if there is anything else i wanted to say about that. i guess im not sure what i think of it, what i think of this summer.
my friends have a distinct way of making and keeping me happy. and i miss amber. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Security: | | | Subject: | "" | | Time: | 05:48 pm |
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| | i never want to care about someone again. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| people are under the impression that alcohol mixed with cute boys who like to kiss you is a good way to get over someone, if not for good then at least momentarily. people are stupid.
i came home at one and talked to him until three. all that we established is that we miss eachother, he's mad, we're both sad, he thinks my most recent facebook pics are slutty and i'm better than that and it hurts him because he cares about me so i untagged them, and we like talking to eachother. this resulted in nothing, though. at least not the "thing" i was hoping it would result in. or maybe i'm fine with it. if i remove myself from the situation, i can see what's better for me. removing myself is what i'm having the problem with. how can i do that when he's still wanting to talk to me? i don't know what is going to become of all this. i'm not sure if he'll ever be "not mad"-enough to want to be with me. and i'm not sure that if that ever does happen if taking him back would be a good life decision.
he's going to dispatch tonight with kyle. the concert was supposed to be our anniversary celebration or some shit. romantic night in NYC spent together.
it's day-to-day. somedays i say fuck 'em and others it's the opposite. and the only reason i hold onto what little hope there is is because as much as he's trying to say there is none right now, he's the one who gave it to me and is continuing to give it to me.
my eighteen-year-old brain is spinning and i have no idea where the arrow is going to point when it stops. but all signs point to him, goddammit. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i deserve so much better.
i am happy that i know that, now. and that i am more pissed than sad so this whole broken-hearted thing is a bit easier.
all i fucking did was care about him and love him more than i've ever loved anyone. he could have at least had the decency to tell me when his feelings changed instead of drawing things out and essentially breaking up with me twice. fuck that, man. you don't do that to someone you care about. you don't. there's no fucking grey area. you just fucking don't. fuck. and i sound so uneducated right now...but i don't give a fuck. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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Promise Me...
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